Why I Am Not Comfortable With The "JohnandJane Doe" Syndrome

Over the last thirty years of vocational ministry, I have lost count of the number of marriage ceremonies that I have performed. One particular contemporary tradition that I refuse to include is that of the "Unity Candle". I have never liked the symbolism of taking individual candles and combining them into one. The purpose of a healthy relationship should not be to extinguish your individuality but rather to strengthen your individuality. Two half persons do not make one whole. Two unhealthy individuals do not create a whole healthy couple. Quite the contrary, two unhealthy individuals will most likely create a very unhealthy relationship. And please don't hand me the bit about needing someone to "complete" you.

Recently, I have gotten a number of Friend Requests from personal Facebook pages that apparently are joint couple pages. The pages are typically named with a joint format and the request looks something like, "JohnandJane Doe want to be your friend". Please forgive me, and I hope you will not be angry with me, but I'm very hesitant to accept those kinds of requests. First, I will explain how these requests put me in an awkward position. And secondly, I will explain my thoughts on how they put the couple in an awkward position.


How "JohnandJane Doe" Makes Me Feel

- What if I feel a connection with only one individual of the couple. Now I'm being put into the position of having to accept both individuals or reject both individuals.

- When I see your status updates and posts I have to try to guess which individual the post was actually from.

- There may be times that I will not be comfortable commenting on your post or photos due to the fact that I will not be really sure who I'm commenting to.

- Maybe I'm over sensitive because of my personal situation but from the outside it appears than the couple is trying to rub their "couple hood" in my face just a little bit. It feels like they are saying, "look what the perfect couple we are". My experience is that those that have to make a big deal about things are usually compensating from an insecurity. Example, "those who talk a lot about how smart they are, are usually not".

- If we are going to be friends, I want to know you as an individual not Siamese twins that have been absorbed into some new unknowable, indistinct creature.


If You Are A "JohnandJane Doe" Here's Some Things For You To Think About

- If the reason for your joint page is because of trust issues then there is already bigger issues than Facebook at stake. I would suggest some work on the deeper issues, and while you do you could simply give each other the passwords to you individual pages if you feel the need to be accountable to each other.

- If your partner/spouse does not give you permission to be yourself and to be your own individual then you are not in a healthy position at all. What good is it to have gained that relationship if in the process you lose your Self and your Soul.

- If you feel the need to police and be in control of and aware of your partner/spouse's every move then you have set yourself up to fail and to live with very little joy. There's no way you can fully police a person. And the more you pressure, the more they will resent you and eventually may even be forced to go underground just to hang on to a little sense of Self. It may take a while, but I'm never surprised when the poor policed Soul is finally suffocated to the place that they one day walk away. There is usually no going back at that point.

- Life is short. Whatever you're hanging onto - be it a hurt or disappointment from the past, or some unrealistic fantasy about what partners/couples should be like - let it go; it is not worth it. The pain of the past is causing you to be anxious and fearful of tomorrow and what might be. You are not living in the moment - return to the present moment - let go, forgive, laugh, play, celebrate, dance, have fun - and I bet you will know where your partner/spouse is.


Having a partner/spouse is a gift. I'm very thankful for all of the couples that inspire us and remind us that we are created to live in community. However, we must guard to never let go of ourselves as individuals. And, the answer is no, you can't have a unity candle if I'm going to perform the ceremony. I hope I offended no one. I spoke what I believe to be truth because I love you.

The Sacrament Of Tipping

(The Quality Of Your Happiness Will Never Exceed The Quality Of Your Last Tip)

Previously in my life, I spent a number of years in and around the food service industry. This is what I observed - often, the customers with the most means (money, assets, position) generally are extremely rude, demanding, condescending, and tip very poorly. It was often my task to visit from table to table and in conversation and I would discover that these were very unhappy people. Their conversations were typically negative, dark, and depressing. I've watched servers flip a coin hoping to win a bet and not have to wait on these types of customers.

On the other hand, often I would go out for a bite to eat with a group of servers after they got off work. What I observed is that servers make the very best restaurant customers. They are very honoring to their own server. They are kind and understanding and they tip really really well - usually 40 maybe even 50 percent. And that is coming from someone who is living a very simple life and with very little means. I love to eat out with servers. They are happy, present, and engaged; they laugh and have a good time and amazingly receive very good service.

I am totally convinced that there is a direct connection or interface between a person's happiness and the quality of their tipping practice. In Christian theology, a Sacrament is defined as an outward sign of an inward grace. The tip you leave on the restaurant table is an outward sign of the generosity and the abundance of your interior life. Sacramental understanding also works in the other direction. For example, the church takes simple bread and wine and believes that it becomes for us the very real presence of the Cosmic Christ. In the same way, I believe that a person who might be down, dark, and unhappy could Sacramentally turn around those negative interior attitudes by simply treating their server with kindness and respect and by being an extremely generous tipper. The generous tip becomes an outward sure sign of generosity and abundance in your interior life and makes present to you a life filled with happiness. A Sacrament primes the pump if you will.

Remember the story of the widow's Mite? She gave all she had. You see, it was not the size of her gift - it was the quality of her gift - she gave all she had. I sincerely believe the fruit of her gift was a life of happiness, peace, joy, and laughter; a life lived in and with abundance and generosity. If you happen to find yourself in a dark, down, depressed, unhappy state, if you feel poor or in despair, if you find yourself griping and complaining a lot - you may want to try the Holy Sacrament of Tipping. Jesus said it this way, the greatest in God's Kingdom are the servers (Greek word diakonos, which translates to our word deacon, which means one that waits on or serves tables). Those are the folk I want to go out to dinner with.


Some Thoughts

- If you think you are better than, or more than, or above your server, then you have already screwed the pooch. No need for you to even keep reading this because you have a lot of work to do.

- Treat your server like a person; with dignity and respect - it's a much harder job than you know. Say please and thank you and ask nicely. Be aware that your server is not in control of the kitchen so don't take kitchen issues out on your server.

- Remember that severs are only paid $2.13 per hour by the restaurant. In a non-corporate non-chain restaurant they may not even get that. If you rationalize that the restaurant should adequately pay the wait staff and that it should not be your responsibility then you might should rethink that position. The restaurant business is a very low margin business. Food and beverage cost are much more than you might realize. Your $8.95 sandwich might cost you $20.00 and the quality of your service will go down if we did away with the tipping system.

- If you order drinks during happy hour, I personally feel that one should factor the tip from the normal retail price. The restaurant might be giving you 2 drinks for the price of 1 - however, the server still has to serve the free drink.

- If you share/split an entree with another person, I personally feel the tip should be factored as if you both order an entree. The server still has to do just as much work. And, a seat is being occupied in the server's section that would most likely be filled by a person that would order an entree.

- If you use a discount coupon, the tip should be figured from the retail price.

- If two of you go out to dinner, order water to drink, split a entree or use a coupon, and you leave a tip of $1.35 because your total bill is $9.00 and you think your tip is appropriate because your tipping 15 percent - I am confidant that I can make some safe assumptions about the quality of your happiness and the quality of your interior life.

- If I am with you at a restaurant and you do not tip appropriately, please excuse yourself before me so that I can adjust your tip without having to embarrass you.

- 15 percent is NOT a big tip.

Realistic Resolutions For A Soulful 2013

- Love What You Love And Feel What You Feel

- Give Up The Need To Be Right

- Don't Worry About What Other People Think

- Try New Things

- Get Rid Of Clutter

- Spend More Time Outside

- Avoid The People And Places That Steal Energy

- Spend More Time With The People And At The Places That Warm And Expand The Heart

- Simplify

- Say "I Love You" A Lot

- Enjoy Good Food And Drink Often

- Make Friends With And Romance The Past And The Shadow

- Gaze At The Stars Regularly

- Don't Hide From Silence

- Let Go Of Expectations

- Forgive (keeps the heart open)

- Laugh (medicine for the soul)

- Cry (keeps the heart moist)

- Travel

- Spend Time With Animals

- Take Naps, Stay Up Late, Get Up Early

- Don't Forget To Dance

* photo of my oldest daughter Sarah and my youngest grandson Luke

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (and I feel fine)

The culture has had a lot of interest in the Mayan prophecies about December 21, 2012. The talks have ranged from the total destruction of the planet to simply a spiritual transformation taking place in human consciousness. All throughout human history our ancestors have attempted to see into the future and to especially predict the end of an era and the beginning of another.

The prophets in the Hebrew Scriptures would foretell the coming of calamities as well as predict the coming of new seasons of blessing, prosperity and justice. Jesus predicted the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. He intuitively sensed that the religious and political structures of his day were not sustainable. He stood in front of the Temple and said that not one stone would be left unturned and that some of the people standing there would not taste death before that destruction took place. We know from the historian Josephus that in 70 A.D. Jesus’ prediction came to pass. The Bible also predicts a time in the future when we will beat our swords into plowshares. A time when we will grow food rather than build weapons. A time when everything will become new and we will see new heavens and a new earth. A time when justice will prevail.

The Physiologist Carl Jung predicted the coming of the Age of Aquarius. This next age in the astrological cycle when we move out of the age of Pisces and into a new era - the Age of Aquarius. Jung believed we would experience a major shift in human consciousness associated with the dawning of Aquarius which would effect all of our institutions and structures: religion, government, industry, science, technology, education, and so on.

Currently, Environmental Scientists are predicting that unless we as a species move into a “Sustainable” way of living - and make this shift soon - the damage to mother nature will be irreversible. Progressive Economists are predicting that, unless we turn away from the “Industrial Growth Society” model which is based on continued growth in order for the system to be effective, we will see eventual economic collapse. It does not take a rocket scientist to understand that a economic structure that is based on continued growth will eventually break down when applied in a world with finite and limited resources.

The Mayans were amazing scientists and astronomers. To have lived thousands of years ago their accomplishments are mind blowing. Today we can not be totally sure what events led to the end of the Mayan culture and civilization. Many believe that it was the combination of natural and cultural events that combined to change their world as they knew it. The Mayans studied the solar solar system and pin pointed its position during the sift in their culture and predicted that in the year 2012 the universe would aline its self in the same way again.

A person’s dreams were a very important tool in Dr. Jung’s Psychology. He taught that dreams would help a person get a glimpse into the deepest part of their Psyche. Human beings often dream about death and destruction - these are common recurring dreams for most people. Dr. Jung held that death dreams were not bad dreams at all. He actually taught that they were about growth, transformation, and were signs of moving from an old era into a new one.

With all the talk about December 21, 2012 and the possible end of the world - Just maybe we should consider this something to be excited about. Maybe it is time for the human species to evolve and for us to move together into a new era. What might a new era look like if we really did see a major shift and the transformation of human understanding?


- A shift away from fundamentalist religion - to spirituality

- A shift away from the destruction of the planet - to a sustainable way of sharing our Island home

- A shift away from the “Industrial Growth Society” - to a “Sustainable” economic system that is equitable to all

- A shift away from the barrenness of heart and emotion - to a revival of heart and emotion in all areas of life (work, education. cities, government, medicine, religion, art)

- A shirt away from racism, classism, partisanism, and denominationalism - to a post racial, post class, post partisan, and post denominational era

- A shift away from building weapons and prisons - to building school, hospitals, homes, and growing healthy food

- A shift away from hate - to love

- A shift from division - to unity

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us, and the world will live as one.

__________________________

Imagine
by John Lennon

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

The Archetype of The Mother Mary

The holiday season turns our attention to the birth of Jesus - a historical event that occurred in the middle east approximately 2000 years ago. The story of Christ’s birth evolved to be quite mythological - the stable, a manger, the animals, shepherds, the great star, singing angles, and the wise men. All the necessary ingredients of a typical Christmas pageant or nativity.

Miester Eckhart, the German priest that lived in the middle ages said, “what good is it if Christ was born a long time ago unless we continue to give birth to him in our own day and in our own culture.” I resonate with what Eckhart said. Christmas should be a celebration of the sacred that is being born among us NOW - not just a memorial to a past historical event. While remembering and honoring the ancient birth narratives might have value - let us follow Eckhart’s lead and use the Christmas story as a prototype of giving birth to the sacred in our own day and culture.

First, the Christ was born (not built). We are surrounded by technology, capitalism, and industry. We build our “Towers of Babel” which are proud monuments to ourselves. While it is truly amazing what we have accomplished as a species - the Mother Mary Archetype reminds us that the sacred comes to us in simple and organic ways - it is birthed.

Secondly, if the sacred has to be born - then it requires a womb. A womb is a dark place. This speaks of the darkness that we wrestle with in our own souls. The darkness holds the space for the growth of the scared within ourselves. The darkness of pain and suffering - of doubt and despair - of quiet, stillness, and loneness which all becomes the rich place for the sacred to be conceived and to grow within us. Wombs are also wet. Hildegard, the Christian mystic who lived in the middle ages, said that our important spiritual work is the process of keeping our heart’s moist. The Christ cannot be born without a dark, moist womb.

Thirdly, if it takes a womb, then the presence of the feminine is required. Our society has become overly patriarchal - aggression, a survival of the fittest attitude, all the pushing and shoving of one’s way up the ladder of success. The patriarchy of big government, big business, big religion is all around us. The sacred cannot be born in the midst of all the masculine energy that permeates the culture. The sacred is born out of the softness, the nurture, the kindness, the gentleness, the love, the care, the touch, and the simplicity of the sacred feminine.

I submit that the world is in desperate need of a revival of the sacred feminine. We would do ourselves well to shift some of our religious focus from the Holy Father to the Holy Mother. She has been ignored much too long. I assure you, there is nothing weak about the Holy Mother (giving birth is not a day on the golf course). 2000 years ago there was no room for the Holy Mother at the Inn. Today, we crowd her out of the planet with patriarchy, war, hunger, greed, division, destruction of the world’s natural resources, religious and political haughtiness - God help us! Together let us hold the space - a dark and moist womb to give birth to the Christ in own day and culture.

I Just Said My Prayers to the Sacred Feminine and Apparently She's Pissed

Western culture has been controlled by men far too long. All areas of life including politics, business, and the church have been mostly controlled by men. The destruction that masculine control has caused is vast: -- climate change and the daily dying off of species as a result of our lack of care for the planet, -- billions and billions of dollars spent on weapons and war, a national debt that is over whelming to think about, -- healthcare viewed by many as something that should not be available to all, -- a growing disparity between the rich and the poor, --a Congress unwilling to compromise and so about to go over a fiscal cliff, --churches that have become more about the institution, rules, and doctrine than the care and love of people, --education that has become more about test scores than teachers organically teaching, --a lack of care for the homeless and the poor --judgement dominating rather than compassion, --division and segregation the norm rather than unity and inclusion.

I just talked to the Holy Mother and I really do think she is pissed. She has barely gotten over being upset about the Crusades. Not to mention the burning of women at the stake in medieval Europe or the Holocaust. If I'm discerning her mood correctly, we need to be aware that we have about pushed Mamma too far.

Before we make Her even more angry, can we please learn to live in a way that's more relational and organic rather than institutional? Can we be nurturing and mothering and care about each other more than we do about our structures and labels? Can we beat our swords and weapons into plowshares? Can the largest Church in the world please allow women at the Altar? Can we realize the Kingdom of God is not built, that it has to be birthed? Can we understand that the repression of the Scared Feminine has left us all wounded and that we all need healing?

Regardless if you're black, white, gay, straight, rich, poor, Christian, atheists, liberal, conservative, saint, sinner, male, or female --we are all children of the Holy Mother and she says we had better start taking care of one another and our planet or we are gonna be in lots of trouble when she gets home.

Task List

I've been very intentional over the last three years to slow down, prioritize, and to take care of my soul. I've slowed down the merry-go-round a lot. However, the last two days I have not stopped; meetings, appointments, Bishop, budgets, and responsibilities. Now it's Saturday and I confess that I do not feel ready for tomorrow. I still have a lot to do. My task list the last couple of days has been impossible and has left me very tired and drained. On top of that, I have my children this weekend and I feel both the kids and I have been robbed of precious time. Add to that the weight of two big projects with time restraints which make me feel like I may "shrug".

What's does your task list look like? I hope yours has been more manageable.

When modern life becomes over taxing I look to the pre-moderns for help. I found Lady Julian of Norwich's task list from the Middle Ages.  She says the soul has three duties or tasks and her list looks like this:

___ To reverently wonder

___ To be surprised

___ To gently let go and let be

I think I want to trade in my task list for hers. I might could handle her list.  I wish all of us, including the church and all our institutions, could learn from her.