Over the last thirty years of vocational ministry, I have lost count of the number of marriage ceremonies that I have performed. One particular contemporary tradition that I refuse to include is that of the "Unity Candle". I have never liked the symbolism of taking individual candles and combining them into one. The purpose of a healthy relationship should not be to extinguish your individuality but rather to strengthen your individuality. Two half persons do not make one whole. Two unhealthy individuals do not create a whole healthy couple. Quite the contrary, two unhealthy individuals will most likely create a very unhealthy relationship. And please don't hand me the bit about needing someone to "complete" you.
Recently, I have gotten a number of Friend Requests from personal Facebook pages that apparently are joint couple pages. The pages are typically named with a joint format and the request looks something like, "JohnandJane Doe want to be your friend". Please forgive me, and I hope you will not be angry with me, but I'm very hesitant to accept those kinds of requests. First, I will explain how these requests put me in an awkward position. And secondly, I will explain my thoughts on how they put the couple in an awkward position.
How "JohnandJane Doe" Makes Me Feel
- What if I feel a connection with only one individual of the couple. Now I'm being put into the position of having to accept both individuals or reject both individuals.
- When I see your status updates and posts I have to try to guess which individual the post was actually from.
- There may be times that I will not be comfortable commenting on your post or photos due to the fact that I will not be really sure who I'm commenting to.
- Maybe I'm over sensitive because of my personal situation but from the outside it appears than the couple is trying to rub their "couple hood" in my face just a little bit. It feels like they are saying, "look what the perfect couple we are". My experience is that those that have to make a big deal about things are usually compensating from an insecurity. Example, "those who talk a lot about how smart they are, are usually not".
- If we are going to be friends, I want to know you as an individual not Siamese twins that have been absorbed into some new unknowable, indistinct creature.
If You Are A "JohnandJane Doe" Here's Some Things For You To Think About
- If the reason for your joint page is because of trust issues then there is already bigger issues than Facebook at stake. I would suggest some work on the deeper issues, and while you do you could simply give each other the passwords to you individual pages if you feel the need to be accountable to each other.
- If your partner/spouse does not give you permission to be yourself and to be your own individual then you are not in a healthy position at all. What good is it to have gained that relationship if in the process you lose your Self and your Soul.
- If you feel the need to police and be in control of and aware of your partner/spouse's every move then you have set yourself up to fail and to live with very little joy. There's no way you can fully police a person. And the more you pressure, the more they will resent you and eventually may even be forced to go underground just to hang on to a little sense of Self. It may take a while, but I'm never surprised when the poor policed Soul is finally suffocated to the place that they one day walk away. There is usually no going back at that point.
- Life is short. Whatever you're hanging onto - be it a hurt or disappointment from the past, or some unrealistic fantasy about what partners/couples should be like - let it go; it is not worth it. The pain of the past is causing you to be anxious and fearful of tomorrow and what might be. You are not living in the moment - return to the present moment - let go, forgive, laugh, play, celebrate, dance, have fun - and I bet you will know where your partner/spouse is.
Having a partner/spouse is a gift. I'm very thankful for all of the couples that inspire us and remind us that we are created to live in community. However, we must guard to never let go of ourselves as individuals. And, the answer is no, you can't have a unity candle if I'm going to perform the ceremony. I hope I offended no one. I spoke what I believe to be truth because I love you.
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