Reflections On Confessions: Stepping Up To The Plate

Thursday's post, "Real Marriage" was viewed by more people than any other post since I started the confessions page back in October. In just two days "Real Marriage" has already passed the previous most popular post, "Death Bed Conversion" by several hundred views and continues to grow. Thank you all who read, like, share, and comment - I am very grateful to you all.

When I started confessions, I made several commitments to myself about the page. First, that I would not hold back - I would say my thoughts without fear of what it could cost me. After living through highly stressful situations and crossing the big 50 in years, I really have no desire to hide or play politics. Life is too short not to speak honestly. The second commitment I made to myself was that I would not get into arguments on the page. I knew I would get dissent and I would be open for attacks - but again life is short and I have no time to waste auguring. I hope my posts stand on their own. They are offered not as absolute truth but simply my honest reflections. I have no expectation that any of you will fully accept my thoughts. Regardless if you are a conservative Christian, liberal Christian, practitioner of another religious tradition, agnostic, or an atheist - I at least hope that my posts cause you to think and reflect, which is an important part of any journey or path. One of the major sins of contemporary culture is that folk tend to only read or listen to people they agree with and then demonize people with whom they disagree. This is not healthy and has resulted in a dumbing down of the church and the culture as a whole. All are welcome here. I honor your path, your wisdom, your humanness. I do ask however that no one be demonized just because they have differing opinions. I also ask that no one judge the quality of my Christianity, my love of God and Jesus, my appreciation of the Bible, and please don't damn me to Hell just because I have a different opinion than you.

Looking at the comments and likes from Thursday's post I have the following thoughts. (due to differing privacy settings, I, nor you, can see all the likes, comments, and shares - Facebook does provide reports that provide a count of total reach, likes, comments, and shares).

- I am worried about the future of the church due to the silence of fellow members of the clergy. It's an almost everyday occurrence that a clergy person will talk to me about something on the confessions page yet they feel that they can not like, comment, or share without getting in trouble. Regardless if it's their religious structures holding too tight on the reins of the clergy or the clergy lacking in courage, the world needs some folk to step up to the plate. Christ's vision of a world of justice, love, and peace (The Kingdom) needs you. Fear not. Prophesy. The world has had enough little sermons with three points and a poem. The world needs prophets. Find your voice. For heaven sake, please step up to the plate.

- Thursday's post was my call for Marriage equality. I find it very troubling and a matter of injustice that same gendered couples do not have the same benefits and protections under the law that a opposite gender couple has. I am not gay, so it may not be fair of me to offer this commentary, however I am a little disappointed in my gay male friends for not stepping up to the plate in support of Thursday's post. I saw your wonderful pictures of your nice dinners and cocktails that you put up on your pages, all the while straight Christians, straight agnostics, and straight atheists were out here fighting for you. It took two days and a phone call to get a single like from one of my gay male friends. For heaven's sake, please step up to the plate. Find your voice. The world needs you.

- I am honored that my confessions page is frequented by agnostics and atheists (please see my previous post "A Patron Saint For Agnostics" if you have not). I honor you and your path and I thank you for your participation. However, I have this to say, many of my atheist friends are people that have rejected a narrow, fundamentalist, anti-intellectual form of religion and in the process felt the need to reject any notion of "ultimate reality". Human beings are multi-dementional. While you continue to nurture your intellect, I do hope you will remember to nurture your heart. And by the way, thanks for stepping up to the plate to defend your gay brothers and sisters.

- To my conservative evangelical Christian friends, I am so over "proof texting" which seems to be your primary method of discussion. I say this not to brag, but I know the Bible very well. I'm not going to change my position by someone just posting, "Romans 1:24-27". I have total respect for the Bible as a whole. I have no respect for "proof texting" to prove anything. I can use "proof texting" to justify the stoning of children, to justify slavery, to throw all women out of the city that are on their period, to offer our daughters up to angels for the angels' sexual pleasure, and on and on. Most likely I have read through the Bible more times than the number of years most of you have been alive. Referencing sacred scripture is appropriate, but using a proof text to make your full case is not gonna cut it here.

Again, thank you all for participating with this page. I truly am thankful for your support. While we my not agree and we may wear different labels, I do acknowledge you as my sisters and brothers. Because before we were Hindu, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, or Christian; before we were black, brown, or white; before we were gay or straight, male or female; we were human. Peace to you all.

Real Marriage

I've grown quite weary of the religious and the political right's defense of "Traditional Marriage" as a justification of denying marriage equality to same gendered couples. Their view seems to project the idea that there has always been just one real, one rite, one view, one way, one shape, one kind of Marriage for all time and space. Their one incarnation of Marriage is projected into the mind of God to be the only holy and acceptable one. I reject the notion of "Traditional Marriage" because frankly, the idea and shape of Marriage has been in flux since the beginning of the Judaic / Christian story. A simple glance back through our communal story reveals many different versions of Marriage. A one size, one view of "Traditional Marriage" does not exist. It is merely a mirage in the minds of those who need to validate their prejudice, homophobia, and discrimination against same gendered couples.

So, if the right's desire is to insist on "Traditional Marriage", which view is the correct one? What is "Real Marriage"?

- The "original" Marriage rite required a rib from the side of the man to be presented to the women. This makes the exchanging of rings seem quite shallow. I for one am very glad that our view of Marriage has evolved beyond the primordial and original story of Marriage. It's a good thing that surgeons are not required for "Real Marriage".

- For generations, the rite was very simple: you go into a tent together and have sex. Is this a picture of Traditional Marriage? If so, there are a lot of couples in campgrounds, national and state parks, and wilderness areas that are now traditionally married and they don't even know it.

- For generations, Marriage was more like a real-estate transaction. Negotiations between the bride's father and the potential husband would have to be agreed upon before the father would "give" her to the man. Women were considered property - valued more than the cattle but less than real property. We know better, yet I'm blown away that in the 21st century we are still giving away brides in wedding ceremonies.

- For generations polygamy was the norm. For generations the use of concubines was the norm. King Solomon, known as the wisest man of his time and the man who built the holy temple, had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Give me that old time religion? I think not.

- Just a few generations ago, even in American culture, young girls were married at the age of 12 or 13 - and were then sexually active. It is so hypocritical when religious folk insist that a 30 year old, single, professional woman has to be celibate when her Great Grand Mother was sexually active at age 12.

- Divorce and remarriage has become quite acceptable in modern culture. I've always said its way too easy to get married and way too difficult to get a divorce. If the church would require a two year betrothal period (and yes let them live together and have sex, just not have children during that trial period) the divorce rate would drop dramatically. I'm thankful that the larger community is now quite understanding and compassionate about divorce and remarriage, however, this is totally contrary to the traditional idea of "one man and one woman". The biblical record shows Jesus concerned about divorce several times yet Jesus never said a word about homosexuality.

It is obvious that our ideas about Marriage have been very fluid throughout time. It's time for the religion whose primary message is "love" to hush all the "Traditional Marriage" talk and start honoring "love". It's time to let people love who they love. And, if they choose to be married they should have all the rights and privileges that come with that civil contract. And if things don't work out they can give a lot of their money to the divorce lawyer like I have had to.

I Went To The Valdosta's Father Daughter Dance, But I'm Not So Sure The Historical Jesus Would Have Joined Us

I have lived and worked most of my life in Valdosta, Georgia; a town also self-named Winnersville and named Titletown USA by the ESPN television network. Winning sports teams have been our claim to fame for decades. However, recently we have added a new category; we have the largest Father Daughter Dance in the country. This year 5,065 people bought tickets. This event has grown from humble beginnings of 170 to its grand scale in just 17 years. The dance was started and is sponsored by Valdosta's First Presbyterian Church. Let me say, they have done a remarkable job and they deserve credit and our appreciation. This article is in no way to judge their character or their motives. However, and I say this from personal experience, successful projects can and will take on a momentum and life of their own and after a while the project will start to drive the mission rather than the mission drive the project.

I have attended the dance with my daughter Isabella several times. The experience meant a lot to both of us. However, I do have criticisms and concerns of where things have developed over the last several years.

- The use of limos. If someone wants to spend their money to show off at a church sponsored dance by arriving in a limo, I guess that's their right. However, in this economic environment most of us cannot afford that. So, once again, the winners and the successful appear to be the ones arriving in the biggest limos. This seems to me to be propagating the values of a materialistic culture which are quite different from the values and teachings of Jesus. On this year's official dance website there were paid ads (I'm assuming they were not for free) for limousine services. So when the child goes to the website for info, the first thing they see and experience is materialistic peer pressure to get a limo. My unsolicited advice is this: stop the limo ads and make a new norm - no limos.

- Stop the culture of out-dressing one another. Over the years the use of rented tuxes and formal gowns has been on the rise. Ads on the official website even promote this culture. It is not reasonable nor is it practical to purchase an expense formal gown for a growing girl that she will have outgrown by next year. Also, most working families can't afford to throw down a hundred bucks to rent a tux for dad for just one night. Again, this seems to hold up the idea that the winners are the ones with the fanciest clothes. May I suggest a norm of no tuxes or formal gowns? Church attire is more than appropriate and practical.

- The official website and the current culture of the dance has now grown to the place that an expensive restaurant, a florist purchase, and a jewelry purchase is part of the experience. I'm sure the local restaurants, jewelry stores, and florists appreciate the stimulus from the large dance - and it must be lucrative or they would not pay for ads on the official website to promote their product. I'm sorry if I'm cheating my daughter, and I don't believe that I am, but I refuse to spend my annual recreational budget on one night, of what I can responsibly afford, for activities with my daughter. I choose to do things with her all through the year. Hiking in the woods (free), canoeing ($20), backpacking in the mountains ($40), grilling out at home (cost of food), gazing at the stars (free), singing and dancing on the porch (free). I really do not feel that it is healthy for a culture to be in place that sets up the scenario that a good dad is one that rents a tux and buys the daughter a new expensive gown, buys flowers and jewelry, rides in a limo to an expensive restaurant and then to the dance, and purchases professional photos. A good dad is one that is present to, and spends quality time with their daughter on a regular basis enjoying the simple things.

- Lower the ticket price. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about but I've heard the DJ, seen the decorations, and had the refreshments. I seriously doubt the events cost the $50,000 plus that comes in from ticket sales, not to mention the income from ad sales on the website, and fees from onsite vendors. It seems to me $5.00 would be more than enough to cover the expenses and might make the event open to more people. Or make the event a fundraiser for a charity that supports foster girls or for daughters without dads, or maybe the Girl's Club - an organization that provides support for our daughters on a daily basis.

- Watch your back for government taxing authorities. When our parish opened Hildegard's, a coffee shop and bookstore, it was a huge success. Overnight it jumped to a 7 day a week, morning, noon, and night gathering place. Its income was about $350,000 a year which only covered its expenses due to the fact that we would provide service even to people that could not pay. Hildegard's was magical in those days. News about Hildegard's and its success was covered in numerous newspaper articles and magazine articles locally as well as around the country (just like Valdosta's Father Daughter Dance is being reported about now). Not long after Hildegard's was opened, the local taxing authorities started to drool over the success being reported. We did pay and collect all approximate sales tax and abide by all tax laws for withholding both state and federal taxes, paid all matching taxes, and paid for workman's comp for all employees. We did not however, pay property taxes, due to the fact that the building is owned by the church and churches are exempt from property taxes. I repeat, Hildegard's never made a profit due to the fact that we would serve those who could not pay. Shortly after Hildegard's reported success, we were notified by the County Board of Assessors that they were revoking our tax except status. We did our best to cooperate and voluntarily provided them with financial statements that proved there was no profit and gave them reports showing the number of free meals we provided to the needy. One afternoon, I was in the tax office and an employee invited me into his office. He shut the door behind me and spoke softly. He said, "I will get fired if you tell anyone that I showed this to you". He then reached into a drawer and pulled out a file filled with newspapers and magazine articles about Hildegard's. The clippings looked almost like something an obsessed stalker would gather. He told to me watch my back because he said they are some people after you. The nice man no longer works for the tax office and after he left, his boss moved on as well. It is very interesting however, that the new boss was hired under the condition that he would have the stomach to go after our church with this issue. Several years of meetings and hearings eventually lead us to Superior Court. In court, the Judge did not rule in the County's favor. As if that was not enough, the County then spent a lot of tax payers' money to the County Attorney for him to write an appeal to the State Appellate Court. However, the Appellate Court refused to take the case. This issue is still not fully resolved because the County could still take the church to an expensive jury trial. In the meantime, Hildegard's lost it momentum in the confusion of what it could or could not do, be or not be. Today we find ourselves in the citation of letting Hildegard's die so that she can be reborn and recreated into something new and fresh and hopefully more simple and less commercial. I give this personal story so you can know that I'm speaking from experience; large successful church programs can and will take on a driving momentum. Once that happens, maintaining the large program can become so taxing and complex, maybe even losing sight of its original purpose, and after a while, the program may have very little to do with the simplicity and spirit of Christ's Gospel.

My hat is off to the wonderful people of First Presbyterian. Y'all have done a wonderful job and we thank you for that. I acknowledge that this commentary was unsolicited and may not be well received. Regardless, I do believe it's time to rethink the success of the dance and the culture that has emerged around it. It may be time to rework somethings in order to protect its original vision. The dance was started to honor and value our daughters - that's a great thing. However, the culture of the dance now has evolved to the place that it might possibly be saying to our daughters, in a very subliminal way, that their value is based in a man that can provide them a limo, jewelry, and the like. These ideas are setting our young girls back and, in my humble opinion, that message is contrary to the simplicity and inclusion of the ideals of Jesus. I've been to the dance several times - I did not want to disappoint my daughter. But I'm not so sure the Historical Jesus would have gone with us.