Why I Am Not Comfortable With The "JohnandJane Doe" Syndrome

Over the last thirty years of vocational ministry, I have lost count of the number of marriage ceremonies that I have performed. One particular contemporary tradition that I refuse to include is that of the "Unity Candle". I have never liked the symbolism of taking individual candles and combining them into one. The purpose of a healthy relationship should not be to extinguish your individuality but rather to strengthen your individuality. Two half persons do not make one whole. Two unhealthy individuals do not create a whole healthy couple. Quite the contrary, two unhealthy individuals will most likely create a very unhealthy relationship. And please don't hand me the bit about needing someone to "complete" you.

Recently, I have gotten a number of Friend Requests from personal Facebook pages that apparently are joint couple pages. The pages are typically named with a joint format and the request looks something like, "JohnandJane Doe want to be your friend". Please forgive me, and I hope you will not be angry with me, but I'm very hesitant to accept those kinds of requests. First, I will explain how these requests put me in an awkward position. And secondly, I will explain my thoughts on how they put the couple in an awkward position.


How "JohnandJane Doe" Makes Me Feel

- What if I feel a connection with only one individual of the couple. Now I'm being put into the position of having to accept both individuals or reject both individuals.

- When I see your status updates and posts I have to try to guess which individual the post was actually from.

- There may be times that I will not be comfortable commenting on your post or photos due to the fact that I will not be really sure who I'm commenting to.

- Maybe I'm over sensitive because of my personal situation but from the outside it appears than the couple is trying to rub their "couple hood" in my face just a little bit. It feels like they are saying, "look what the perfect couple we are". My experience is that those that have to make a big deal about things are usually compensating from an insecurity. Example, "those who talk a lot about how smart they are, are usually not".

- If we are going to be friends, I want to know you as an individual not Siamese twins that have been absorbed into some new unknowable, indistinct creature.


If You Are A "JohnandJane Doe" Here's Some Things For You To Think About

- If the reason for your joint page is because of trust issues then there is already bigger issues than Facebook at stake. I would suggest some work on the deeper issues, and while you do you could simply give each other the passwords to you individual pages if you feel the need to be accountable to each other.

- If your partner/spouse does not give you permission to be yourself and to be your own individual then you are not in a healthy position at all. What good is it to have gained that relationship if in the process you lose your Self and your Soul.

- If you feel the need to police and be in control of and aware of your partner/spouse's every move then you have set yourself up to fail and to live with very little joy. There's no way you can fully police a person. And the more you pressure, the more they will resent you and eventually may even be forced to go underground just to hang on to a little sense of Self. It may take a while, but I'm never surprised when the poor policed Soul is finally suffocated to the place that they one day walk away. There is usually no going back at that point.

- Life is short. Whatever you're hanging onto - be it a hurt or disappointment from the past, or some unrealistic fantasy about what partners/couples should be like - let it go; it is not worth it. The pain of the past is causing you to be anxious and fearful of tomorrow and what might be. You are not living in the moment - return to the present moment - let go, forgive, laugh, play, celebrate, dance, have fun - and I bet you will know where your partner/spouse is.


Having a partner/spouse is a gift. I'm very thankful for all of the couples that inspire us and remind us that we are created to live in community. However, we must guard to never let go of ourselves as individuals. And, the answer is no, you can't have a unity candle if I'm going to perform the ceremony. I hope I offended no one. I spoke what I believe to be truth because I love you.

The Sacrament Of Tipping

(The Quality Of Your Happiness Will Never Exceed The Quality Of Your Last Tip)

Previously in my life, I spent a number of years in and around the food service industry. This is what I observed - often, the customers with the most means (money, assets, position) generally are extremely rude, demanding, condescending, and tip very poorly. It was often my task to visit from table to table and in conversation and I would discover that these were very unhappy people. Their conversations were typically negative, dark, and depressing. I've watched servers flip a coin hoping to win a bet and not have to wait on these types of customers.

On the other hand, often I would go out for a bite to eat with a group of servers after they got off work. What I observed is that servers make the very best restaurant customers. They are very honoring to their own server. They are kind and understanding and they tip really really well - usually 40 maybe even 50 percent. And that is coming from someone who is living a very simple life and with very little means. I love to eat out with servers. They are happy, present, and engaged; they laugh and have a good time and amazingly receive very good service.

I am totally convinced that there is a direct connection or interface between a person's happiness and the quality of their tipping practice. In Christian theology, a Sacrament is defined as an outward sign of an inward grace. The tip you leave on the restaurant table is an outward sign of the generosity and the abundance of your interior life. Sacramental understanding also works in the other direction. For example, the church takes simple bread and wine and believes that it becomes for us the very real presence of the Cosmic Christ. In the same way, I believe that a person who might be down, dark, and unhappy could Sacramentally turn around those negative interior attitudes by simply treating their server with kindness and respect and by being an extremely generous tipper. The generous tip becomes an outward sure sign of generosity and abundance in your interior life and makes present to you a life filled with happiness. A Sacrament primes the pump if you will.

Remember the story of the widow's Mite? She gave all she had. You see, it was not the size of her gift - it was the quality of her gift - she gave all she had. I sincerely believe the fruit of her gift was a life of happiness, peace, joy, and laughter; a life lived in and with abundance and generosity. If you happen to find yourself in a dark, down, depressed, unhappy state, if you feel poor or in despair, if you find yourself griping and complaining a lot - you may want to try the Holy Sacrament of Tipping. Jesus said it this way, the greatest in God's Kingdom are the servers (Greek word diakonos, which translates to our word deacon, which means one that waits on or serves tables). Those are the folk I want to go out to dinner with.


Some Thoughts

- If you think you are better than, or more than, or above your server, then you have already screwed the pooch. No need for you to even keep reading this because you have a lot of work to do.

- Treat your server like a person; with dignity and respect - it's a much harder job than you know. Say please and thank you and ask nicely. Be aware that your server is not in control of the kitchen so don't take kitchen issues out on your server.

- Remember that severs are only paid $2.13 per hour by the restaurant. In a non-corporate non-chain restaurant they may not even get that. If you rationalize that the restaurant should adequately pay the wait staff and that it should not be your responsibility then you might should rethink that position. The restaurant business is a very low margin business. Food and beverage cost are much more than you might realize. Your $8.95 sandwich might cost you $20.00 and the quality of your service will go down if we did away with the tipping system.

- If you order drinks during happy hour, I personally feel that one should factor the tip from the normal retail price. The restaurant might be giving you 2 drinks for the price of 1 - however, the server still has to serve the free drink.

- If you share/split an entree with another person, I personally feel the tip should be factored as if you both order an entree. The server still has to do just as much work. And, a seat is being occupied in the server's section that would most likely be filled by a person that would order an entree.

- If you use a discount coupon, the tip should be figured from the retail price.

- If two of you go out to dinner, order water to drink, split a entree or use a coupon, and you leave a tip of $1.35 because your total bill is $9.00 and you think your tip is appropriate because your tipping 15 percent - I am confidant that I can make some safe assumptions about the quality of your happiness and the quality of your interior life.

- If I am with you at a restaurant and you do not tip appropriately, please excuse yourself before me so that I can adjust your tip without having to embarrass you.

- 15 percent is NOT a big tip.

Realistic Resolutions For A Soulful 2013

- Love What You Love And Feel What You Feel

- Give Up The Need To Be Right

- Don't Worry About What Other People Think

- Try New Things

- Get Rid Of Clutter

- Spend More Time Outside

- Avoid The People And Places That Steal Energy

- Spend More Time With The People And At The Places That Warm And Expand The Heart

- Simplify

- Say "I Love You" A Lot

- Enjoy Good Food And Drink Often

- Make Friends With And Romance The Past And The Shadow

- Gaze At The Stars Regularly

- Don't Hide From Silence

- Let Go Of Expectations

- Forgive (keeps the heart open)

- Laugh (medicine for the soul)

- Cry (keeps the heart moist)

- Travel

- Spend Time With Animals

- Take Naps, Stay Up Late, Get Up Early

- Don't Forget To Dance

* photo of my oldest daughter Sarah and my youngest grandson Luke